In divorce cases, the children often find themselves caught in emotional conflicts between their parents and a new partner: 'Underhanded tactics are being employed' - Parental conflict in divorce situations can lead to kids being alienated against the new partner, and this is often referred to as a manipulative tactic, labeled as "a dirty game."
In a recent interview published in stern, family psychologist Stefan Rucker discussed the impact of divorce on children and offered strategies for managing their reactions, particularly when one parent turns the child against a new partner. The interview, titled "After the Split: When Divorce Children are Turned Against the New Partner: 'It Gets Dirty'", was penned by Laura Hindelang and took approximately 8 minutes to read.
Rucker highlighted that in some cases, children may view the new partner as a competitor to the biological parent, leading to a sense of loyalty conflict. This perception can cause the child's sense of justice to prevent them from accepting the new partner at their parent's side. In some instances, one parent may manipulate the child against the new partner, putting their own interests above those of their child.
To help children navigate these complex feelings, Rucker suggested several strategies. First, parents should reassure the child of safety and stability through predictable routines and consistent schedules. Second, they should encourage children to love both parents without pressure or guilt, explicitly allowing them permission to have positive feelings towards each parent and the new partners involved. Speaking respectfully about the other parent in the child’s presence significantly reduces loyalty conflicts.
Rucker also emphasized the importance of validating the child’s emotions openly, acknowledging that sadness, anger, confusion, or loyalty struggles are normal and safe to express. Parents should listen empathetically and reassure children it's not their fault the family is changing.
Avoiding behaviors that increase stress or conflicts is another crucial aspect. Parents should refrain from making the child a messenger or spy between parents, involving them in adult legal or financial issues, or forcing them to take sides. Instead, spending quality, present time with the child can help strengthen connection and trust, which in turn helps the child feel supported through difficult emotions.
In cases where the child shows strong distress or loyalty conflicts become entrenched, seeking professional support through individual or family therapy is advisable. Therapy offers a safe space for children to process feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.
The interview did not provide specific details about the divorce or the children involved, nor did it offer advice or solutions for this situation. However, it serves as a valuable resource for parents navigating the complexities of divorce and its impact on their children.
It's important to note that the appearance of a new partner or partner can be an additional burden for children undergoing separation or divorce. Children in such situations may feel skeptical, insecure, and fear losing their parent to the new person. Rucker stressed that such behavior endangers the child's well-being and urged parents to prioritize their children's emotional health during this challenging time.
The interview is now available in the stern archive for those interested in learning more about this topic.
In the stern interview, Stefan Rucker advocated for implementing community and employment policies that encourage respectful communication and promote the best interests of children in divorce situations. He suggested that science-backed health-and-wellness strategies, such as maintaining predictable routines, open emotional validation, and quality time with children, are essential for alleviating family-dynamics tensions and supporting children's mental health during and after a divorce. Additionally, Rucker emphasized the importance of family therapy when children struggle to manage their emotions and loyalty conflicts, citing it as an effective tool for healing and personal growth. Parents must remember to prioritize their child's family-health, relationships, and overall lifestyle by avoiding actions that increase stress or loyalty conflicts during divorce proceedings.
