Strategies for Recovering from a contentious argument in romance, offered by a psychologist
In the complex world of relationships, disagreements are inevitable. A 2011 study found that couples who are able to detach and reset after disagreements have healthier, more stable relationships. This article explores research-backed strategies for recovering from ugly fights and creating a stronger connection.
Firstly, it's crucial to engage in constructive thinking about the conflict. Understanding how your partner may have felt during the argument is key to perspective-taking, which can help resolve conflicts more effectively. Practicing honest reflection after a conflict can also improve the relationship, as it allows both parties to address root issues and work towards resolution.
Engaging in "recovery sabotage," however, has a negative impact on the relationship. This includes holding onto grievances, rehashing the argument, or continuing negative interactions after the conflict. Such behaviours predict lower relationship satisfaction and more instability over time.
After an ugly fight, both parties may feel reeling, and recovery may seem impossible. However, closure is necessary for both partners to move forward. Closure helps build intimacy and trust, invites vulnerability, opens up a meaningful dialogue, and adds a layer of depth to the relationship, making it more resilient and long-lasting.
Fights often occur most at the beginning of a relationship, as partners are discovering each other. At this stage, the Ineffective Arguing Inventory can be a science-backed tool to determine if you and your partner fall into destructive arguing patterns.
To regulate emotions after an ugly fight, reflect honestly about the cause of the fight, address root issues, stay transparent about feelings, admit when wrong, show empathy, and remember that it's "us vs the problem." A cooling-off period is essential after an ugly fight to allow both partners to calm their reactivity and process feelings.
Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are major predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction and repair after fights. Key evidence-based strategies include practicing active listening and using "I-statements" to express feelings without blame, pausing before reacting to manage strong emotions, acknowledging each other’s feelings and perspectives, focusing on solutions rather than problems or blame, building and maintaining respect and trust daily, using structured dialogue techniques, and reflecting on conflict behaviours and practicing new resolution strategies.
In summary, recovering from an ugly fight involves calming down, listening actively, respecting each other, focusing on shared solutions, and rebuilding trust through effective, compassionate communication. Have a closing conversation to bring everything into the open, discuss feelings, why things were said, and decide how to move forward and handle similar issues in the future. Ugly fights can help evolve understanding of each other, leading to a stronger connection.
- Science has shown that adopting an 'ineffective arguing inventory' can help couples in the early stages of a relationship identify destructive arguing patterns.
- Couples who are able to cool down, engage in constructive thinking, and focus on shared solutions after disagreements often have healthier, more stable relationships.
- Effective communication and empathy are important aspects of healing from conflicts in relationships, as they promote understanding, trust, and resilience in the partnership.
- Periods of resentment or insecurity attachment style can hinder the recovery process after fights, while practicing reflection, honesty, and transparency can lead to a stronger connection.
